Bad Movies & Beer

Episode 62 - Tales From The Crypt: Bordello of Blood (1996)

This week the guys are closing out the Tales From the Crypt franchise once and for all when they pay a visit to the BORDELLO OF BLOOD!

While it may not feature the incredible acting talents of Billy Zane (which is strikes one and two according to Cooper), in many ways this final installment is more true to the classic HBO TV show than its predecessor, DEMON KNIGHT.

It's got all of the cheesy effects, corny jokes, and ironic twists you'd expect from the Cryptkeeper and company, plus a heaping handful of nudity that teenage boys in the 90s (and Nolan today) were understandably excited about. Also: Corey Feldman, completely off the chain!

These are just a few of the sexy and scandalous things being covered in this one, so don't eat your heart out; this episode (featuring a beer from Chronicle Brewing Co.) has everything you need to satisfy your hunger... even if it's an eternal one.

Episode 61 - Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

Cooper and Nolan are selling their souls for rock n' roll this week when they meet the PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE!

It's the Phantom of the Opera like you've never seen it before, and the guys have all kinds of questions: Who was in charge of casting? Are the similarities with The Rocky Horror Picture Show just a coincidence? And most importantly of all, how does a guy who writes a huge musical about a man selling his soul to the devil not realize when it's happening to him?

This early Brian De Palma film is truly a one of a kind experience, so get ready to get your glam on; this episode (featuring a beer from the Grove Brewing Company) might just be your ticket to paradise!

Episode 60 - Under Siege (1992)

It's hilarity on the high seas this week, as Cooper and Nolan are covering a true early 90s sensation - UNDER SIEGE!

Yes, it was undeniably a massive hit when it came out. But as the guys will tell you, with each passing year Steven Seagal's one-time movie star status becomes harder and harder to understand.

Is he the world's worst (successful) action hero? Maybe, but that doesn't stop this from being a thoroughly entertaining movie - one that features C-level acting, ridiculous deaths, and the unforgettable sight of Gary Busey in drag.

There's plenty more worth talking about so prepare to come aboard; this episode (featuring a beer from Stonehooker Brewing Company) is one you'll definitely want to set sail with.

Episode 59 - The Beastmaster (1982)

Cooper and Nolan are going wild this week when they unleash the awesome power of THE BEASTMASTER! 

It's an epically ambitious piece of sword & sorcery that started off with a short theatrical run, found a second life as a cable TV staple, and eventually got the deluxe VSU treatment from the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome.

Quite a journey, but that's nothing compared to what the guys experience as they try to navigate this movie's many bizarre elements. Using animals to enhance your own sexual experiences? S&M guards in assless chaps? Hooking up with your own cousin? And as if those things weren't strange enough, imagine viewing them through the HAWK CAM! 

It's almost too fantastical to believe, but our 59th episode (featuring a beer from Little Beasts Brewing Co.) is stronger than a painted tiger.

Episode 58 - Chopper Chicks in Zombietown (1989)

Cooper and Nolan are traveling to Tromaville for this week's episode, as they check out CHOPPER CHICKS IN ZOMBIETOWN by special request!

This undeniably bizarre 80s disasterpiece features more leather, denim, and giant hair than you'll know what to do with. Is it horror? Comedy? Sci-fi? The guys aren't sure, but one thing they DO know is that thanks to the mad scientists behind this movie, they can now cross "Zombie b***job" off their "Things I never thought I'd see" bingo cards.

That's just one of the many, MANY ridiculous things that happens in this one, so get ready to ride; this episode (featuring a beer from Counterpart Brewing) is definitely worth the trip!

Episode 57 - Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000)

The guys are taking a trip down memory lane this week with the unforgettable 2000 comedy DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?

Despite being firmly in the target audience for this movie, Nolan somehow never saw it as a teenager - putting his grumpy woke Dad vibes in direct conflict with Cooper's 90s nostalgia. Maybe that's why they spend most of this episode alternating between laughing like stoners and arguing like old men.  

Still, it's a fun 4/20 adventure that (much like a movie that features blind kids, strippers, ostriches, a space cult, and Andy Dick in a cage) goes off the rails at points but (maybe?) makes sense in the end.

You'll have to hear it to believe it, but we should warn you: This mysterious and powerful episode features a beer from SweetWater Brewing Company, and it's mystery is only exceeded by its power!

Episode 56 - Coffy (1973)

Cooper and Nolan are pouring themselves a hot cup of 70s action this week with the blaxploitation classic COFFY!

Legendary actress Pam Grier is on a one-woman quest for justice, and the guys are on a two-man quest to try to make sense of the gritty world of pimps, pushers, & prostitutes. Apparently it's a world of individual theme songs, gratuitous use of dummies, and horrible attempts at accents, with just enough social commentary sprinkled in to make this somehow not feel totally ridiculous (although there ARE a lot of shirt rips).

What IS ridiculous is Cooper's ongoing obsession with making Nolan seem like a perv, and let's just say that thanks to Pam Grier's ample... ahem... talents, there's lots of opportunities for that. So enjoy yourself, but be careful; the amount of fun in this episode (featuring a beer from Tomorrow Brew Co.) might just keep you up all night.

Episode 55 - Heart Condition (1990)

Is recommending that your client join a movie where a racist cop gets haunted by the ghost of his Black arch enemy (after first receiving that arch enemy's heart via transplant) enough to get a Hollywood agent fired? You can hear the answer this week when Cooper and Nolan review what is quite possibly Denzel Washington's worst movie ever - HEART CONDITION.

In all seriousness, there's so much that goes wrong with this alleged comedy that it would be impossible to put the blame on one person, but that won't stop the guys from taking their best shot. From the screenwriter (whose sense of humor is what REALLY needed a transplant), to the director, to whoever was in charge of picking out the music, it's one bad decision after another.

There IS plenty to laugh about though, from Nolan's theory that both The Sixth Sense AND Point Break stole from this movie, to Cooper's thoughts on whether it's possible to perform sexually with the ghost of your lover's ex watching.

Is it enough to give this movie a new lease on life? Absolutely not, but this episode (featuring not one but TWO beers from Bell's Brewery) is definitely one you'll want to hear before it's too late.

Episode 54 - Showgirls (1995)

After three failed attempts, Cooper and Nolan are FINALLY taking a look at one of the most legendary bad movies of all time - SHOWGIRLS!

It's Elizabeth Berkley like you've never seen her before - unsuccessfully trying to act angry. She's also flashing a LOT of skin as she awkwardly dances her way through what is either a brilliant satire of "Star is Born" movies or an genuine attempt that went horribly wrong.

The guys might not know which it is, but they DO know one thing... the James character did NOT need to be in this movie.

That's just one of the many things getting exposed in this one, so leave your inhibitions at the door; what happens in this episode (featuring a beer from New Ontario Brewing Co.), STAYS in this episode.

Episode 53 - Theater of Blood (1973)

Cooper and Nolan are raising the curtain on some 70s horror this week with THEATER OF BLOOD!

In this low-budget bit of British cinema, horror icon Vincent Price gets to live out every actor's dream by murdering his critics. But could that ever actually happen? Let's just say the guys might be reconsidering some of the things they've said in past episodes.

That's because once you've seen the lengths a man will go to for revenge - amateur surgery, trampoline swordfights, death by train - anything seems possible.

So get ready for the performance of a lifetime; this episode (featuring a beer from Overflow Brewing Company) might just leave you rolling in the aisles.